Re-Branding America: The Red-Blooded Male Returns

So, in January 2009 America witnessed a rebirth of cool and got kind of blue: Barack Obama became the leader of the free world. The iconography of a new America – you know, the intellectual, worldly, progressive, free, melting pot, pulled up by the bootstraps kind – and the collective good ole boy male population had one thing to say: “I don’t know what ‘audacity’ means, but I hope this is it because that would be two things I don’t get… Jim Bob go find that book of words and things from Mary and Webster.” Fast forward to January 2010: Super (read: brand) Bowl Sunday – the TEA Party  in all of their inglourious teabagger basterdry must’ve stepped up their media buying cookies – the night when the red state of mind ranted commercially until they were blue in the face… thus is the product of said oxygen deficiency to the brain – assuming that’s what inhabits the space in between their ears

“I will be at work by 8am. I will sit through 2 hour meetings. I will clean the sink after I shave. I will take your call. I will be civil to your mother. I will put the seat down.” You’ve sacrificed a lot but surely there is a limit to your chivalry. Drive the car you want to drive: Dodge Charger. // read: the only thing holding you back from doing what you want is that ring – on the phone and on your finger, brought to you by the one who washes the ring from around your collar

Chivalry… cleaning the sink after shaving and putting the seat down is hygiene; taking wives’ calls, and being civil to their mothers is, well, civility; going to work on time, and being at meetings is exactly how you managed to afford said car – if it’s that bad, quit and live dirty and alone in the car you love so much.

Dodge Charger: that’s Americana.

Et tu?

How very Kalle Lasn, not selling a thing – just stating facts: subversion is always ace.

“And in the red corner, all the wayyyy from bumbleschmuck, “South.” He’s the tool that got homeschoolhouse rocked by the Crimson Tideeeeee. Don’t look for teardrops on his guitar, they’re on the Bama gridiron with any dignity he had left after a bromantic escapade with Urban Meyerrrrrrrr. It’s Tim ‘This commercial is the closest I’ll get to a Super Bowllllll’ Tebowwwww!!!!!” Here he comes to save the day, the golden one to balance out that one. He puts the T in TEA: down home boy with down home values and down bottom IQ scores, but boy if he can’t toss a pigskin… albeit to his underrated but insanely stacked team, but who’s counting (obviously the same person who forgot to count how many not-so-baller bands Tebow’s got on his wrist – for the record: too many). Anywho, here’s what he – in his yet-to-commence experience in all things sociological, political, biological, or medical – has to say about women’s issues when it comes to child birth, bearing, and rearing:

Awww look at his mom: blue eyes full of hope, bright cheeks full of botox… makes you feel all warm and paralyzed inside, doesn’t it? “He almost didn’t make it into this world,” and after Taylor Wyndham almost took him out, he no doubt second guessed that “almost.” “I can remember so many times when I almost lost him,” like: “when he walked into the ocean looking for Bikini Bottom, or when he threw a tantrum in the cereal aisle and I almost left him, or when he sat in a cardboard box pretending it was a spaceship en route to Planet of the Unicorns, or when he poked his eyes out with a silver Sharpie trying to freehand the Bible verse on his eye black, or when he went off to Vegas with Urban – and that was just this week.” This whole situation is a mell of a hess and has about as much substance, relevance, or sense as The Situation – he… tackles his Mom (nope, she didn’t get a choice on that one either). Don’t get it twisted though, Focus on the Family is all about choice: do you want to cook or clean first? Let Tebow try that on Michelle…

It could’ve ended at the Super Bowl, but alas the scarlet fever spread like the Red Sea well into the early-Spring rotation. Beer – nothing more American male than that…

Seems to be slurring a bit on the words there… alcoholism does that to you. If only the commercial fast-forwarded to three hours later… when he’s loving a case of the spins on the curb. That’s how we do in America: “hops before hos.”

So here we are in 2010 – from the peaks of audacious hope made reality, to the pits of Palin again. I said it before with shifty Swifty and I’ll say it here; we got Barack, let them have this – Pop or Politics: hard to have it both ways. It’s not impossible though, I’m always up for a coup –  you down to get Pop black and blue? Put your paws up.

Watch This Space: just not too much, the best coups start with depleted ad revenue – just ask Glenn “I’ve got less commercials than PBS” Beck. At the very least, put down the booze and pick up a book (it’s like Kryptonite to these people) – no, “My Pet Goat” doesn’t count; yes, “It’s Not Easy Being Green” does.

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